Monday, February 9, 2009

She Loves Me Not: A Relationship Taxonomy

It is that time of the year. Relationships seem to be at their best. Or their very-dismal worst. I've seen a lot of relationships begin and end in the past couple weeks—simply by observing people's Facebook status. It's a very interesting phenomenon.

But what really happens when the relationship goes South? What are the dynamics between both parties? And how, if at all, is the relationship resolved?

I figure the best way to examine this, is through a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure format. It is the only logical solution.

1) Glances from across the room/bar/show/gym (If yes, move to # 2. If no, move to #4)

2) Flirting (If yes, move to #3. If no, move to #4)

3) First Date. (Date goes bad move to #4. If it goes well, move to #5)

4) Nah man. She's not into you, dude. THE END.

5) Second date. (Goes well, move to #7. Goes bad move to#6)

6) Tell her you'll call her. But you won't. THE END.

7) Kissing, possibly making out. (If yes, move to #8. If awkward move to#10)

8) Third date, higher possibility of heavy makeout/sex. (If yes, move to #9. If no, move to #12)

9) Maybe talk about where the relationship is going. (If yes, move to #13. If no, move to #11)

10) She says she'll call you. But she won't. THE END.

11) Relationship continues, but without a purpose. Can waver into friends-with-benefits country.
(If goes well, move to #14. If goes poorly, move to #4)

12) Awkward, naked, or disheveled silence. Followed by dash for the door. No words are exchanged. THE END.

13) Dating continues, relationship blossoms. Mutual trust and respect develops. (If yes, go to #15, if no, move to #16)

14) Relationship wanders into booty call/Drunk Dial Country. (If goes well, move to #17. If goes poorly, go to #10)

15) Strong feelings, perhaps love, develop. (If mutual, go to #18. If one-sided to#16)

16) Confusion, miscommunication. (if kind of, go to #19. If A lot go to#20)

17) Booty call remains a viable option as long as both parties are in the vicinity. THE END.

18) Love develops. Perhaps marriage or long-term partnership. (If goes well go to #21, if not go to #20)

19) Passive-aggressive, ambiguous, non-communicative threats, emails, texts, and/or phone calls. Until both parties run out of demeaning things to say. THE END.

20) End of relationship. Possible property damage, joint custody, legal proceedings, and police involvement. THE END.

21) Happily ever after. Kids, grandchildren, and retirement. THE END. (If not happily ever after, move to #20)

Valentines day blows. It is wonderful if you're in a good, stable relationship. But other than that it's a day for self-loathing single people to bitch and moan.

Also, dating is a necessary evil. Relationships can be chronically be unsuccessful for years. Then suddenly a person will be blindsided by the right one (or so people say).

Preferably all you need is one relationship that really goes the distance. Until then, it's batting practice.

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