Tuesday, August 28, 2007

It's time for me to sell out



I'm going to sell out. Well hold up, let me give you a little bit of my back story to put my statement into context.

For the past, well, seven or eight years I've been working on developing a personality. I try to read books so I can classify as being somewhat cultured. I've had some really sick opportunities to travel. In my travels I've learned a thing or two about how I want to be as a person- more or less what I want to get out of my sojourn on this blue orb. See, I've developed some culture that adds a little substance to my bizarre trivia knowledge that's only useful as a play-at-home Jeopardy contestant. I consider myself to be an overall pretty rad guy. But that is neither here nor there. Cause I'm going to sell out.

Every time I find myself in a social situation, I see what appears on the surface as totally rad girls hanging with total douches. By douche I mean the type of dudes that drive Escalades (with spinners)- basically very successful dudes. Oh, they tan far too much, and probably spend more time getting ready in the morning than most of the high-maintenance girls I know. As of tomorrow, I'm gonna be one of those douches. So here's my list of changes you can expect to see from the H-bone (me) in the next little while.


*Start referring to myself in the third person.

* I'm hitting up GNC tomorrow to get some creatine and protein (H-bone is gonnna get swole.)

* I'm replacing my whole wardrobe with apparel from AE, Abercrombie, and Aeropostale.
*H-bone's shoes will be of the overly-pointy loafer style.

*I'll probaly sell my car and buy at least a limo-tinted Chevy Yukon on 22s.

*I will wear head-to-toe Tap Out Gear when I'm not gussied up.

* I will have a hairdo.

*Most likely I'll get a job that involves quotas, sales perks, and lots of goals and meeting the bottom line. H-bone will always meet the bottom line.

*I'll probably start a lot of fights and say "what's up BRO?!!!" quite a bit before I fight.


H-Bone hopes you're all happy with yourselves. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm not gonna lie, H-bone wouldn't mind having a trophy girlfriend** for awhile. But since H-Bone tends to be a rather impulsive Bro, I'll sleep on it.

H-bone signing off (and selling out.)

** If you're a douche, chances are you might not even recognize the symptoms. A good way to tell is to run through the checklist above. Although not all symptoms of douchebaggery are mentioned, you can get an idea of where to begin the healing process. Please seek help. In severe cases, a douchebag intervention may be necessary.

2 comments:

Mike and Joy said...

Wow. Once you sell out, you will be super desirable...more so than now, if that's even possible.

erin and shaun said...

Two words: Ha Ha!