Empty Your Pockets

I mentioned in an earlier post that I've been flying a lot lately. Flying means one thing: security. And stress. I've been thinking about it a lot too.

Airport security is a good thing. It's meant to protect the common good. It's a noble task, protecting our heartland. But it's a little overboard.

Security at La Guardia is a good idea. Security at Boston's Logan is also prudent. But the shoe-removing, laptop opening, fluid bagging brand of security at Bozeman, Montana's airport is unnecessary. It's also very presumptuous.

Podunk airports with the same level of security presume the next Al Qaeda attack is coming through their doors.

"The bastards won't sleep," They say. "They won't rest until we're all reading Korans."

They're causing a lot of arthritic ranchers a lot of hassle.

The same mindset is true with concerts.

Say there's a pat down and metal detectors at a Toby Keith concert. The event staff thinks someone might harm Toby Keith. Or worse yet, they'll harm someone in the crowd.

It's not gonna happen. The nefarious people in this world have better things to do than mess up soccer moms at a country concert.

They have bigger fish to fry.

What's going on here?

I was eating at an amazing Japanese restaurant recently. Sansei Hawaii. So we're eating our edamame or whatever and these hot girls walk in. Now when I say hot, I don't mean in a wholesome way. Or even Sports Illustrated Swimsuit way. Or even Maxim. They were at least strippers. Very collagen-y.

So these ladies strut in followed by these- I don't think douchebag is quite strong enough, Dill weeds. Huge Gold watches, Chest hair, Italian loafers. Cells phones-a-blazin'.

They sit down.

"I can't believe how much we drank today. And we all look fabulous. I swear I'm not an alcoholic."

After awhile the dudes go out for a smoke. I took this opportunity to use the facilities too. The dudes took awhile. While they were gone, the girls called the dudes out on the patio.

"Where are you? We totally thought you'd left, or something. Anyway, we're gonna order some sushi."

Now I realize this isn't the most exciting dialogue. It isn’t. Not by a long shot. It’s the dynamic of this group. Why are two gorgeous/sleazy girls breaking bread with two dudes like this? Money? Action? They’re paid accompany guys? Who knows.

It was a total mismatch. I will take a stab at the profession of the guys.

Drug Dealers
Pornographers
Aston Martin salesmen
Persian Rug importers
Owners of a strip club
Owners of a night club
Jewelers
Miami Realtors

Situations like this fascinate me.

You're now free to move about the cabin.

I flew a lot in the last little bit- zooming to and fro to see family and friends. Airplanes do funny things to people. I suppose it's the recycled air and the claustrophobia-inducing coach class seating. Here's a few observations from cruising altitude:

When people ride in planes, they instantly love ginger ale and cranberry juice. At no other time to people get thirsty for any of these drinks.

People recline their chairs to get the impression of relaxation. A reclined coach-class seat is the angle of your parent's dining room chairs.

Flight attendants love micromanaging your journey. Your tray table can only be down at certain times. Your backpack must be jammed in the trap where your feet are supposed to fit. You only get 2 ounces of your beverage at a time. Is your approved electronic device switched to off or its flight mode?

Babies and small children love screeching at inopportune moments- air turbulence especially.

Pilots love telling you pilot jargon no one understands. Well, maybe meteorologists. Wind shear, jet streams, wind speed (in nautical miles). They all sound like boat names.