Safety 1st

I have officially seen everything.

I was checking some e-mail tonight and I saw a little Google ad right above my mailbox. It said: Dog Helmet for biking - Dog Helmet has adjustable strap, 4 sizes and foam lining.

Serendipity. I was horrified to know my champion Weimeraner would have to ride Porcupine Rim totally unprotected... Until now.

I had to go to the site and check this thing out. Here's the product description:

Designed with safety and comfort in mind, "The Helmet" can protect a pet's head from wind, windblown objects and other irritants when riding on a motorcycle, in a car, truck, or boat.

Excellent for blind dogs or any pet that requires protection from minor head trauma when bumping into things. Does your dog have stand-up ears? Not to worry....."The Helmet" was designed so that it does not rest flat on the head. The customizable foam pads that are included fit between the ears, not over them. This prevents "The Helmet" from pushing the ears flat to the head. The dual-adjustable chin strap lets you custom fit "The Helmet" for almost any pet dog or cat.

Available in: "Bone" White, "Wet Nose" Black, and "Panting" Pink.

To insure a proper fit, measure your pet's head-across the forehead, around to the back of the head. If your pet has floppy ears, make sure to include them when measuring. Select a size from the chart below that most closely matches this measurement .

This poses another question. When did dogs start receiving better healthcare than most humans? I personally know two dog owners with cancer-survivor dogs. This would not be the case in my house. If one of my dogs became terminally ill when I was a kid, I know what my dad would say.

"You can get a puppy after this one dies. Cats are still better than dogs though."

And I most certainly know what my grandpa would say.

"You know what would cure that dog cancer? A lead aspirin would do."

I guess the Dog Helmet was not intended for heartless bastards like me.

Knock it off with the boring blogs

Married-people blogs suck.

I've been lurking on some of my high school classmates' blogs tonight- I would say about 86% of those blogs are about married life. And they suck. The blogs are done by good people with good intentions, but the results are not good.

Each blog delves deep into the minutiae of picking out paint colors for Kayleb's new room, or how the Brooklynn finally learned to like green beans.

You don't believe me? Read one. Or two.

They're all using the same blog template too. It's terrible.

With that in mind, I've listed some tips to un-horrible your blog.
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1) Remove your playlist. No one wants be bored AND listen to Faith Hill's "Lost" or Rascal Flatts "You." Most people would rather get stabbed than listen to your Russian Roulette of crappy music.

2) No more fetus widgets.They look like sea monkeys.


3) Stop exploiting your kids through your blogs. Some of their actions don't warrant a blog entry.

4) You're stuck in your blog. Relate to something you saw on TV (that doesn't have to do with Rascal Flatts new tour or Faith Hill's new fall look).

5) Knock it off with the artsy names for your kids. Simple is better. And if you do use a name from the bible, don't goof with the spelling. You don't have to manifest your creativity through your kid's name.

6) Lose the scrapbook template.

Weather Report

"Hey, What's it like living in Georgia in the Summer?"


"Blaargh."


"You're funny. I bet it's pretty hot. No...what's it really like?"


"Okay. Imagine living in someone's crotch. Then add 10 degrees. And about 30% humidity."

Empty Your Pockets

I mentioned in an earlier post that I've been flying a lot lately. Flying means one thing: security. And stress. I've been thinking about it a lot too.

Airport security is a good thing. It's meant to protect the common good. It's a noble task, protecting our heartland. But it's a little overboard.

Security at La Guardia is a good idea. Security at Boston's Logan is also prudent. But the shoe-removing, laptop opening, fluid bagging brand of security at Bozeman, Montana's airport is unnecessary. It's also very presumptuous.

Podunk airports with the same level of security presume the next Al Qaeda attack is coming through their doors.

"The bastards won't sleep," They say. "They won't rest until we're all reading Korans."

They're causing a lot of arthritic ranchers a lot of hassle.

The same mindset is true with concerts.

Say there's a pat down and metal detectors at a Toby Keith concert. The event staff thinks someone might harm Toby Keith. Or worse yet, they'll harm someone in the crowd.

It's not gonna happen. The nefarious people in this world have better things to do than mess up soccer moms at a country concert.

They have bigger fish to fry.

Isn't it Ironic?

I'm all in favor of saving the environment and stuff. But there are limits to my green efforts. For example, I'd never drive a Prius. Not for the fact they're hybrids, they're just too ugly. They look like Toyota's designers took a day off and Mrs. Smith's 2nd-grade-art class gladly picked up the slack.

For some reason I hold Prius owners to a higher standard than other, normal, drivers. I expect Prius People to be benevolent stewards of our planet. Spending valuable PTO time restoring beaches and saving Harbor seals. This is not the case.

My expectations were shattered today. It was a nice day so most people on the roads rode with windows down. Prius People indulged too. To my surprise, I saw a Beige Prius Person smoking. I laughed. Hard. The irony was too great to pass up a bloggertunity.

Oh the irony. Lady buys an ugly-as-shit car, to cut down on emissions. Lady now pollutes her on micro-environment with her own smoke. Lady now exhales toxic fumes from enviro-safe, shitty car, into the air she was supposedly saving. It gets better.

Here's the kicker ladies and gents. Chick threw her cigarette into the street. She littered. Game. Set. Match.

If you're gonna do your part, do your part. Don't drive a Prius because Al Gore said it was cool in that movie he made. If you Drive a hybrid, don't nullify your efforts with thoughtless acts of ignorance.

Do it because you're trying to make a difference.

Customer Disservice: a rant

THIS IS A RANT, if you're looking for positivity, go somewhere else.

What the hell happened to customer service? Let me paint you a picture.
Back in football season of 2006, my homeboys and I decided to splurge and get fancy expanded basic cable at our residence. We called up the local cable tyrant, Comcast, and asked the fascist phone service people to schedule a technician to install the whirligig that gives you all the good sports channels.

Being somewhat cheap and indifferent to the crap that's on cable after football season, we downgraded our package to the basic local stations, Discovery Channel, and about 38 Spanish channels. As a normal customer, I thought I was good to go. Little did I know, the battle was just beginning.

We continued to receive dreary Comcast service. It wasn't until about 5 months later that I really got a taste for what I was dealing with. I received a bill for 100 bucks for our basic cable and internet for the (1) month. To say I was concerned would be a tad of an understatement. I got on the horn with the fascists to verbalize my displeasure.

As I explained my query to the troll on the other end of the line, it informed me that they would send a Comcast van stooge out to verify our current cable package. No benefit of the doubt. The customer is not right when you're dealing with a monopoly. I was the one that was suddenly on trial. And I was also moving out of state. This would be very interesting.

About three weeks later, I received a call from Comcast. I had to completely retell the whole story to the customer service troll because the previous three failed to take notes on my unique situation. to make a Long story long, I ended up with a 120 dollar credit coming my way. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to this morning. I get a call from a phone number in New Mexico. It's a collection agency asking me what my preferred method of payment would be on an incorrect prorated charge on a cable package I didn't order. Comcast had some splainin' to do.

Another long distance phone call, retelling of the tale to a new customer troll, 17 minutes of shitty hold music, and Comcast seems to have it right. They claimed they'd call off the credit agency, and mail me my check for 120 bucks. In four to six weeks.

Wasn't that easy? No, that was Comcastic.
Comcast can choke on a 12-inch ________ (insert your favorite derogatory, four-letter noun).